Good-bye with happiness to 2013 and welsome with prayers 2014

Tonight, as I sit alone, as usual while my son is off doing his thing and my husband is upstairs watching his own programs, I ponder on the finishing of 2013 and the coming of a New Year and new beginning with 2014. I must say, I am extremely happy to say farewell to 2013 and with prayers welcome 2014 with open arms. 

This past year has been stock full of no money, shut off notices, borrowing to pay bills and doing totally without because my small amount of money will not and cannot cover it all from Mortgage to car insurance to cable. All the extras have gone and I downsized on cable, downsized on my phone (got my fancy phone for free which is why I have it) but it is still not an IPHONE or anything that fancy. I have had to make the choice whether to pay the bills or get my medicine or even food. 

My family is not the helping kind and I wrote a letter to them stating how much bills were, how much I paid out and now it was their turn to figure it all out and that I did not want anything to be turned off because it all remained on while I had to sacrifice. I have been avoided ever since and nothing was said but I did notice that my husband has a PT job and the bills that he sends out are only bills of his……his tax payment and money owed to repay someone for laying out monies for him to get a special license to drive a cab, which he has yet to do. He always boasts how he is not our son and knows how to take public transportation but all of a sudden now he cannot drive the cab because he needs the car so he does not have to take 2 buses to get there. He has also spent the yr telling me no one complained when he “paid it all” but he did not opay it all. I always paid my own credit cards, cell phones, the cable, food and non food items and car insurance. Now I have to literally pay it all. 

So, for 2013 I bid farewell and I now pray to God and am looking for what Novenas I can say to help me have a better 2014. I have made resolutions in this order: I will keep a Journal starting tomorrow and include everything major that I do and do not do so that I can figure out where I am going wrong and why I let people walk all over me the way that I let them do. 2. I will smile, instead of frown because they say it helps the psyche. 3. I will keep my home, despite the fact I get no help at all, in perfect company/mom visiting order at all times despite how much pain I am in. 4. I will make a list of all things that need to be done, fixed and what I want changed in the house and also have some pics to go with it and get estimates for it all and put some money no matter how small every payday away towards it. 5. Being that this past year I had no money for any Birthday gifts, Christmas gifts or have any celebrations for holidays I will also make a list of all people and holidays and do the same as with the house fund. 6. I will not stress over things I cannot control but only over things I can. 7. I will go to the doctors as I should be doing and get all medications as I should and also get the ball rolling on the operations needed and the lawsuit finished. 8. I will collect all monies owed to me and also not make any more loans out to people who would not help me when I needed it. I say this because one person needed money and I loaned a nice amt and was told oh in April, then something came up and it was in August then I heard nothing then oh in December and now when I get my taxes. Although this person has come up with several vacations, nice clothes and other things and I gave money when they needed it and when I needed help I was pushed aside. 9. I will make every attept to pay all my bills in full on time. I may have to find some other work but what needs to be will have to be. Once my surgeries are done and I feel better I can go back to doing what I do best work from sun up to sun down and not lose a beat. 10. I WILL NOT LET ANYONE WALK ALL OVER ME NO MATTER WHO THEY ARE.  11. I will be a better daughter, mom, wife and NANA. 12. I will lose the weight that I put on after I lost over 235 lbs and gained like 80 back because lack of exercise due to PAIN. I will have to work through the pain and just do it. 13. I will think of me too and not only of everyone else all of the time as it seems it is never reciprocated. 14. I will work on and finish my childrens book that I have started.

These are some of the resolutions, I know there are a lot and I know that it will be hard to do and complete them all. However, the way that I see it if I do what is totally right in life then it should not be too hard. Not that I have been doing anything illegal because I have not, it is just that I can get very stubborn and when things just do not go my way I will not think twice about going on strike. I have done it before and it worked. A few years ago before I was sick, I used to work for the Bd of Education and my one dream when I was in college getting my Degree, was to work in a NYC Public School as a teacher because these kids needed someone like me. Someone who cared about education, yet someone who understood that sometimes you just do not get it and I have a knack at being able to get children t understand things through a variety of ways, mainly because when I was young I did not always get it and had to work so hard to do well. I show them school can be fun, how they can become well rounded and how they also can respect themselves, each other, others and education in general and then become anything that they want to be in the future. The star in the farthest galaxy is their oyster and they and only they can make it happen. Anyway, I had to get up at 6 to be at school at 7:30 or 8 at the latest. I would work until 3:30 and then go right from there to a second job, which is the one I still hold and have had for the past 10 yrs. I would work there until 8:30 and that was Monday thru Friday and then on Saturday and Sunday would work there from 9-4. When I would come home there were dishes all over, my son’s school stuff all over, soda cans all over, dirty socks and laundry, basically it looked like a bomb went off or a tornado came through and only through our house. There peacefully sleeping was my husband in bed as he at the time got up at 4 for work that he had to be at for 9 so why he got up so early beyond me…..but he did. My son, would be waiting for help with homework so I did that first than began the clean-up of the day and then made lunches for the next day and did some wash and prepared my lessons for the next day and finally went to bed about 1. Nothing was ever said about my working 2 jobs but OMG when I mentioned he might take 2 PT jobs now he went off the wall about why and how he had worked all his life and yada yada. 

I also have spoken through email to someone I normally would never have spoken to out of fear mostly. However, this person has changed his life and has become a minister and has turned his life around by turning his life over to God and letting him handle the big things. I still am not quite sure how to do that because I am afraid to think you just say ok God……I am turning my life over to you. Guide me in the right direction and then leave it at that. Hmmmmmmm so this I also will be working on as well. 

It will take a lot of prayers and I know the one resolution about being a better mom, wife, daughter and NANA is one of the hardest as something I was told by someone who is not the best with reliability, was pretty much confirmed by my mom from her own mouth. I also think that once she said what she did she was sorry she said it but I wonder if she was sorry she said it because she knew it hurt me or was she truly sorry. I was adopted and at one point this unreliable person took to calling everyone in my phone to tell them what an evil person I was because I was beginning to stand up for myself and not let her walk all over me and continue to suck me dry of my money. Anyway, one day she says your mother told me she was sorry she every adopted you and your brother and wished she only had your one brother. I was like you are nuts. I did not dwell on it but it was always in the back of my mind as I was not an awful child, I did not do drugs nor drink before I was of age, break curfew, cut school or get arrested or pregnant. So, what was it I did that was so bad? About a month ago I was speaking to her on the phone and we were speaking of my own daughter and how she did not wish to keep in touch with certain members of my biological family as the only time she heard from them was to ask her for money or when he needed a place to stay because he overstayed his welcome where he was. My mom was like that was so mean…..since if I thought that about you or your brother I would never have spoken to either of you years ago. I was floored. It all was coming together now. A few years ago I got a special gift for Christmas and she even told me it was not her idea or from her but from her partner since we were always close since I was a youn child of 2 and when I was adopted. There was a time when they helped us with some money and I was not even really asking for help with money but help with making a budget because I had no clue how to budget when the bills were 10X more than the money coming in. She then was like we cant help you anymore you have to figure it out on your own but because of my son not pitching in as he should. She always showed favoritism to my daughter over my son and now he sees it too. But, somehow I want and need to overcome this because she is not terribly old but she is also not well either. I am never kept informed about her health and just little things like that makeme feel like it is true. I must get over this, make amends and be the good daughter I should be. Even though she has a habit of remembering all the not so good things I may have done, she also does not remember the very good things I have done, like going back to school and against all odds and all people’s predictions of me quitting after MAX 6 weeks, I gave 6 years and graduated with Honors with 2 BA Degrees. I was a mom of two young school aged kids, had no car, no money and not a lot of help. I often took my kids to work and school with me so as to not miss and it was all in an effort to make a better life for me and my children who are and always will be my life and my heartbeat. Sometimes I feel as if I robbed them of something by always working and/or being at school but I knew what the end result could be. I still never missed a class trip, a school play, a Back to School Night, a Parent Teacher Conference, ball games, or whatever they were involved in. Now, they understand more, especially my daughter who is now a mother of 2 beautiful girls, 4 and 2. She thanked me for all I did for her and also being strict and being General Patton as they used to call me. She is now enrolled in college and made the Dean’s List her 1st semester but she is lacking the balance she needs to make it all work. She is trying to recreate what I did but she has different circumstances and now her marriage is suffering because she is being selfish in a way. Now, I need to be the better mom and step up and talk to her about what needs to really be done and not be afraid. We had many years of butting heads and now are friends and I so do not want to lose that. I also have to be stricter with my son, who was always a but spoiled, mainly because he was sickly as a child. As far as being a better NANA, well that job I have pretty well down although, I have to stop thinking I have to spoil them all the time. They do not always need toys but more hugs, kisses and to be told Nana loves you……we have a saying the girls and I, I love you to the moon and back to Mercury, Venus, Earth and Mars, Jupiter, Saturn Uranus and Pluto….through the many galaxies and right back to the moon where I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! Then they say I love you more and I say nope I love you more……and then I give them huge huggies when the oldest one holds out her hand and says “Nana……Buddies for life” and I put my hand in hers and then the other one puts her hand on top of mine. These girls are really the beat of my heart. I miss them so much and cherish every second I am with them. They love to come and visit and we love having them. 

So I pray that for 2014 may it bring a lot of good things but also make things easier and be chock full of Love and Happiness! I wish my son the best and may God show him the right way to go and the right things to do in life. I wish my daughter and her husband prayers, love and hugs that God too will come into their hearts and they will work together and stop being the me and you instead of the US as they used to be and should be. Let them always cherish their kids and learn from them because I have learned kids will teach you things you need to know if you open your eyes, ears and heart and just listen to them. I love them all so much and want the best for them all as they are all the heartbeat of my life and when something happens my heart skips a beat in a not so good way. 

So here is 2014…….I wish each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart to you and your families…..a year with Health Love, Happiness, Family Togetherness and may it be prosperous for you in more ways than just money. The BEST! God Bless.